Cancer, and every other random thought.

Tonight my mom and I watched “Last Song” on Netflix. As soon as I saw it was based on a Nicholas Sparks book, I should have known that someone was going to die. SOMEONE ALWAYS DIES IN THOSE MOVIES! Ugh. Seriously.

So, you know, we get 3/4 through the movie and no one has died..I’m waiting for the boyfriend to get in a wreck or something and then, all of a sudden, (SPOILER ALERT) the dad has flippin’ cancer. Are you KIDDING me?? I should have known.

Why does everyone get cancer in movies these days. It’s like a blindside, every time! I don’t need to be reminded of the awful things that happen to people dealing with cancer. As if i don’t think about pain and death enough, let’s just roll it across the big screen for it to really sink in. Yep. Awesome.

Another thing…a former co-worker of mine just found out that his son has cancer. It has been incredibly interesting and heartbreaking watching them adjust to finding out the news. Christmas…then bone cancer only a few days later. How does someone respond to that? And then jump right into treatment. Wow. I think God blessed me by sparing me those moments of Brian’s story. Not that I would have backed away from the situation at hand, or that God couldn’t have gotten me through..because i know he would have…but I truly feel like God spared pieces of my heart by not having me around for those initial times of Brian’s diagnosis and treatment. I don’t mean that to sound bad, because I also really wish I could have been there to see him through the whole thing. That I could have been the girlfriend/wife holding him after his diagnosis…that I could have been the one he woke up to next to his bed after his transplants. That I could have been the one to stay with him in the Hope Lodge taking care of his every need while he was in isolation after his transplants. But….God always knows what is best…and maybe, just maybe, He spared me for that so that I could endure and be strong during this season. So that, when Brian gets tired or discouraged from this long road, he can look over at me and see me running the race…confident in him and in God’s ability to heal. I don’t know. just some random thoughts.

The whole death thing terrifies me. Is it bad that i think about it? I shouldn’t, i know….i know that cure rates are outstanding for lots of cancers. I know that God does miracles. I know that great advancements have happened in science and medicine. But i still think about it. And it terrifies me. I don’t know how God pulls people through those kinds of situations….i hope i never have to find out.

People think I am so strong, courageous, filled with faith…you name the adjective. But im not. I don’t feel like it. I don’t spend time in the Bible like I should. I don’t know what to pray or how to pray or what it even does, sometimes. I believe things that I’ve believe my whole life….but I wonder if those things are true, sometimes. Is God really strong when I am weak? Does he really give us new mercies every morning? Does he really provide all of our needs? Does he really give rest to the weary? Is he really my portion and supply? Or do I really want to go through situations that cause me to find out the answers.

Those are the things I battle every day. I’m glad people can find hope through our story..i’m glad they see Jesus…I’m glad that it can spur them on to be more like Jesus….but, just so everyone knows…I am so human and so jacked up, its not even funny.

..okay…i think thats all….

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One thought on “Cancer, and every other random thought.

  1. Thanks for being honest. I totally felt that way when Bev was so sick. I think anyone that appears to be totally fearless and absolutely unwavering in their faith in that kind of tough time is probably faking it. At least I sure felt more like you and people would say things like “I don’t know how you do it.” etc. You do it because you have no choice and you work hard to keep trusting God regardless of the outcome. But no magic wand makes that easy. Blessings on you. Keep being real.

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