Some days are harder than others when it comes to fighting this beast called cancer. It is a horrible, awful, wretched disease. It is a curse. It is a terrible thing. I hate it with a passion.
Cancer is a catalyst. It can either be used by the enemy as a source that breeds despair, fear, hopelessness, anxiety, anger, tension, strife, quarrels, pain, agony, and confusion. It can also be used by the King of kings as a thing that draws people to him, that invokes an utter dependence on Him, something that produces patience, character, strength, perseverance, and hope. Is is something that can bring you to your knees in a way nothing else in the world can. It challenges you to put your faith on trial. It can cause you to enter into a constant conversation with the Creator of the universe. It is a catalyst for intimacy with the Great Physician, and it requires you to put your total trust in His timing and in His methods of healing.
Is it worth all of that? I honestly can’t answer that question. Of course…God’s glory and relationship with His people is of utmost importance…but I’d hope there are better ways to do that than endure this crap.
I feel absolutely helpless 90% of the time. I can’t do a thing about itchy skin or a mind full of anxiety. Praying feels ABSOLUTELY like the wrong “medication” or “solution” to the problem..and yet, often times, that is all I can do.
I feel so much pressure to be the one that can provide the back up safety net if things don’t go well. The simple idea to “be still and know that He is God” when it comes to our provision seems nearly impossible on some days, especially when I am currently working part-time jobs without benefits. I am really torn and desperate for God to speak on this topic in particular…Is he calling me to use my passions and talents in my current position at the church and to be still and watch him provide, or is he calling me to use my brain cells and get a full-time job?
I am so grateful for my friends and family who remind me that they are fully expectant of total healing, and for us, one day, to be hosting a giant celebration for the victory over cancer. Thank you for reminding me of that very big fact that can often go forgotten in my frazzled head….God is a God of miracles.
I expect to be writing on here a few times this week, since Brian’s PET scan results are on Tuesday at 2 p.m. The thoughts that will run through my head prior and after that appointment will, I’m sure, be entirely overwhelming…and I may find this place to be a mind-relaxer through this time.
Thanks for listening to me vent, and as always, we treasure your prayers. Thanks for lifting us up and going before the throne to plead our case.