“How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?”
[Everything by Lifehouse]
Last year I wrote this post and I shared my heart with you as I felt God convicting me to be a better steward of my body. Last year I told you my weight…and I told you the reason why I told you my weight. Last year I started a journey at 170.6 pounds to become a healthier version of myself and at Christmas, I found myself at 147 pounds. I lost 23.6 pounds in 2.5 months. And I did it the healthy way…with a ton of exercise and a well-balanced diet. By the end of that, I found a new “me.” The “me” that was healthy, energetic, more open to let others in, and blessed because of my obedience to God. I believe that is the person God has created me to be.
Today I weighed in at 178 pounds.
Let that sink in for a second. Re-read that line if you must.
7.4 pounds MORE than where I STARTED last year around this time.
Right now I’m sitting here figuring out what the heck to say next. There are no words for everything I feel inside of me as I re-read that line.
I could blame Brian for being a distraction, I could blame falling in love or getting engaged or planning a wedding, or being married. I could blame some of the pain that I felt this year through different circumstances. I could do a lot of blaming.
But the truth?
The truth is that I stopped listening to God.
I know that sounds crazy and that most people don’t connect that piece of cake with their spiritual life, but I do. It is something God has been dealing with me about for at least a year or two now. My battle with food and weight and exercise isn’t just about the number on the scale or the size of my jeans.
For me it’s about being obedient to God. For me, it’s about being a good steward of the body God has given me.
And I’ve chosen to do my own thing instead.
Just reading the things I’ve just written almost make me sick to my stomach. For about a month now, I’ve known that God was really prompting me to be a better steward of my body and I’ve basically said “no.” I’ve done everything I can to ignore Him on that matter. I’ve blatantly disobeyed God.
*sick to my stomach*
You don’t really grasp something of that magnitude until you stop and recap your actions like I just did in this blog. Wow.
Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night. Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. For I was born a sinner—yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there. Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me—now let me rejoice. Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt.
Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you. Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you.
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings. Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar. –Psalm 51
So…..yeah. Anyways. Let me figure out the in’s and out’s of how this is going to work and do some planning and I’ll let you know how this journey progresses.
Thanks for reading.