I haven’t posted on here for so long that you’d think I should just delete this blog and begin a new one. I mean, after all, so much has changed. Now I’m a married woman. Its crazy. And while I post mostly on our other blog (brianandangie.wordpress.com), I thought I’d maybe start using this one just to blog about whats on my mind and heart. I guess its not much different than how i used it before…maybe it will actually help me process some things.
We moved up our wedding because Brian got extremely sick, practically over night, with splitting side pains. You can read more about that at our other blog. It was a roller coaster week and so physically and emotionally exhausting. I can’t tell you how afraid I was that week. I’ve never been so scared in my life. And to honestly confess, I admit that while I knew just pouring it all out to God was what would help me most and what was needed….I held on to all of it..the fear, the emotion, the sadness, the overwhelming confusion….I just didnt even know where to begin in taking it to God. That’s the truth. Sure, I believe in God and his total sovereignty, strength, and goodness….we said that a lot on the blog….but what I didnt say is that even though i KNEW God was the only source of strength…I didnt go to Him much…if at all…during that time. I read through some Psalms and really resonated with them…..but it was hard to just totally pour out my soul to God.
You see, when you do that, you have to confront a few things:
1. Is God REALLY good if he chooses to take me through something tremendously horrible?
2. Would God choose to do miracles to other people, but not to my husband?
3. Even though God could use me/us through this hard time….sometimes I wished it wasnt us. Why us?
4. Do I trust God enough to take care of me no matter what happens in my life?
These are only a few questions that ran through my mind the days and weeks following Brian’s health scare. These are questions that still run through my mind from time to time. Through it all, I know that God is teaching us something and will use us for great purposes. I have no idea what the heck that means or looks like. This journey doesnt seem to make sense at all. But I believe someday we’ll be able to look back and see a method to the madness. We’ll be able to see God’s hand working through it all. We’ll be able to remember the questions and we may be able to answer a few of them a long the way. I know for sure that I’ve got a long ways to go in this spiritual journey. I know that Im probably not nearly equipped for this road like others are. But God doesnt called the equipped to follow him….he equips us for whatever road he chooses to lead us on.
I guess my only hope is that I grow to know God more and to look like him more and more through it all, and that others will come to know Him better by watching our marriage and watching us walk this road.
Thats all for now.