There are times in your life where things have been racing at lightning speeds and things have flipped and flopped and changed faster than the pancakes in the game of flapjacks and you need to just slow down and re-evaluate a few things. I think i’m coming up to another re-evaluation period in my life. Re-evaluation can be good, it can also be intimidating…what if I’m not the same anymore, or what if i’ve changed in ways that aren’t so great? It’s hard to take a good hard look at yourself and assess the situation. But it’s about that time.
It’s been quite a while since I’ve really blogged. Life just snuck up on me I guess. I dont have the time…or i dont take the time, i should say.
So, who am I these days?
I’m Angie. Now 24. Still working 2 part-time jobs. Still commuting between 2 states every day. It’s taking a toll on me…and my car. An area of re-evaluation, I suppose. As “uncomfortable” and “inconvenient” as it is, it’s sadly become a “comfortable norm” for me.
I’m Angie. Who recently lost nearly 25 pounds in 3 months. Now, putting probably more than half of it back on. I’m not sure. I’m too scared to look. I didn’t just slip off the bandwagon. I apparently too a running nose-dive off the bandwagon, tumbled a few times down the road, and landed face down in the ditch…to lazy to even lift my head. There’s honesty for you.
I’m Angie. Now a girlfriend to Brian. Thats a big change. Exciting and amazing and wonderful, but definitely a big change. A girlfriend to a cancer-fighter. I’m the girlfriend who always forgets he even has cancer because he seems absolutely fine. I’m a jerk for saying that. Again, honesty. I’m a total jerk. But this man is amazing and incredible and I can’t imagine spending my life without him. Then bringing the cancer back into the equation, I pray harder than I thought possible that things will go okay at his next PET scan on Thursday. But I’m scared. How’s that for honesty? But I’m also deeply wanting God’s will, no matter what that is. Somehow I wish God could just give me a roadmap of my life so I could prepare for whatever the next thing is…but he wont, dangit…and sometimes that makes me really frustrated or freaked out or just wanting to demand control of my own life. Honesty.
I’m Angie. Thousands of dollars in debt because of school loans and poor decisions and a crappy car. Most of my excess cash is going towards this. And it’s frustrating. I want to go to every college campus during orientation week and say “if you take out loans, it will be one of the worst decisions of your life.” It’s not worth it. You never know what your life will look like when you graduate. Sure, you may get lucky and land some awesome high-dollar job, but you could be in the 90% of recent college grads just hoping that two part-time jobs will meet the bills because there’s nothing to be found in your area of expertise.
I’m Angie. The girl who desperately wants to be Christ-like, and yet tragically sabotagges herself every day with poor decisions. The girl who is stuck in the battle, and hasn’t equipped herself properly or surrounded herself with enough encouragement to keep on fighting. Sometimes I forget that with Christ, i’ve already won the battle. Sometimes I even forget to bring Christ to the battle. There’s honesty.
I’m Angie. Am I even a writer still…after this long break from my blog? Yeah, I think so. I don’t take enough time to do it. It’s not a priority. I guess it should if I want to some day write as part of a job some day…
I’m Angie. I still desperately want to work in ministry. I’d love to be on the front lines doing one-on-one work with students…women…those struggling. I’d love to work for church full time doing their design work. Is that even ministry, though? And what if God gives people desires or dreams, but tells you to release them all and trust that some day he’ll bring that job to you instead of desperately clinging on to the edge of the door that you barely have your foot in, hoping someday it will be what you want it to be? What if God’s asking for control even in that area?
Why can’t i have any control of anything? And yet, the few things i can control (like how i spend my money or what i choose to stuff my face with), i’d rather not have control of that. There’s honesty.
So what do i get at the end of this micro-re-evaluation process? The same results as always….
Yet again, I’m Angie. And i need to release my control.