A post-midnight blog…

It’s after 2 a.m. and I can’t sleep at all. I shut off my lights at 12:30 and have only tossed and turned, as my mind has spun over and over and over. A lot to process lately, I guess. Things I never thought I would be processing…feelings I’m not sure how to analyze. I try to control life. (I think most of us do). But lately, I’ve been continually trying to release that control, refrain from manipulating the situation to turn out in any particular way, and just enjoy the ride that God takes me on. It’s scary..and exciting..all at the same time.

I guess I just want everything God wants to lay on me. All of it. Even if I dont understand it. I want to be ready to receive the blessings he has for me. I want to be courageous enough to walk the roads he leads me on. I want to be wise. I want to make decisions for the right reasons, and not for what other people will think.

I want Him to be my everything.

Do you believe that God knows exactly what you need before you were even born? I do. Why do I think I need to have everything planned out and figured out? Why can’t I just trust that whatever happens will happen for a reason, that God ordained for my life. He knows the number of breaths I will take on this earth. He knows my fears, my doubts, and my uncertainty. He knows my issues, my hangups, my temptations, my hesitations. He proves He’s worthy of my trust. Why am I so impatient and so slow to trust? Why do I try to figure out how the end of the story will turn out or where my final destination will be. Why can’t I just enjoy the ride? Why do I feel like I need to have everything mapped out to a T?

Jesus, be my everything. Even in my day-to-day, minute-to-minute moments where I sit pondering how this story will unravel, where the storyline will go from here, how I need to play my role in the place you’ve put me right now. Remind me that you will give me what I need…in plenty or in poverty. Remind me that I just need to be present in the present. Remind me that I can do nothing about the future except be fully engaged in the present. Remind me to be patient, to be steadfast, to trust you.

Take my life, God, and use it as you please. Work through me. Work in me. Let people see you in me. May people know you because they know me. May people be drawn to the hope and freedom and joy you alone can give because it resonates out of my life.

I pray that I embody the fruits of the spirit. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Self-Control. I pray that when people speak of me, they will speak of my love for you more than anything else. I pray that my love for you becomes so visible that people will know you are the priority of my life.

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