Can’t go back.

Life doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense.

You wonder how someone can be so extremely happy. How life can be seemingly perfect. It was like living a dream.

Waking up and going to Westside, Starbucks in hand. Before the door even closed behind me, I heard shrieks “Good morning, Angie!!” Ahhh, I was home.

The exciting meetings of what would come. The passionate struggle of seeing so many hurting youth. The random text messages from kids I cared so much about. The trip to the art museum. The camp. The retreat that we walked to the cafeteria in a foot of snow. That conversation that had both of us in tears, so much life change in those thirty minutes. The random breaks in the day to run upstairs and chat with my coworkers. The inspiration and encouragement those leaders, coworkers, friends gave me. Going home after a long night, but barely containing the excitement to get back in the morning to do something I loved so much. To see the people I love so much. To serve the people I love so much.

It all seems like a perfect dream. But it was reality.

I said so many times “this just can’t be my all seems so surreal.”

but it was real.

And now it is a fading memory.

Slipping away like sand on a windy day.

Harder to cling to than a piece of jello.

It’s gone. And I can’t go back.

No clicking of the shoes will take me there. No closing my eyes, no snapping my fingers. Nothing.

It is gone.

I don’t know what it means to move on.

Why would I want to move away from something so amazing? Why would I want to distance myself from that? The thought alone sounds absurd.

Where do I go from here…when all I want to do is go back there?

What was the point of that…if this is where I ended up?

I walk backwards…seeing those memories fall further and further into time.

I close my eyes, because I don’t want my eyes to remind me of reality. This can’t be reality.

It can’t be gone.

What now?


One thought on “Can’t go back.

  1. stumbling through once again… reading this makes me think about your post regarding leaving WFC – would you still say that leaving was absurd. Also, what about your conversations with God during that time. Might be worth a Re-read.

    Also, have you thought that WFC might have been the training ground for the next stage in your life? Don’t focus so much on the past that you forget that there is something out there in the future. Learn from the past so that you can use it in the future.

    If the future holds helping teens – then do it. But why limit yourself to one place (I know you didn’t say that – but it comes out that way a little). There are kids out that that need your help – stretch yourself. Become the leader. You might be surprised what will happen. God won’t, but you might.

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