A place…

A place where there are more questions than answers. A place that seems dark, shattered, confusing. I guess that’s where I feel like I’m at right now. And i guess that’s okay. Everything is a season, right?

I question a lot. I question why my cousin had to lose two more babies. What could possibly be the point of that? I know all of the church answers “that God will use it”…and i know that is true…but I’m still questioning. I question why there is so much suffering in the world. I question why incredible, amazing, godly people have to go through such hard times. I question why people of integrity and great faith must still wait for their answers. I question why I feel so invisible. I know I’m not….but I still question. I question when I will feel at home again. I question what’s wrong with me. I question if I’m enough. I question if others care. I question God’s goodness sometimes. I know He is…but i still question it. I question why I crave so deeply for something I just cannot seem to find. I question what I’m searching for. I question when I will be content. I question why I can’t snap out of this darkness. Lots of questions.

And I’ll get the church answer out of the way…that “Jesus is the answer.” Why does that statement make me want to puke a little in my mouth? Now don’t go off on me saying I’m irreligious…i’m just saying. I know that is truth. But truth that has been turned into cliche is just that….cliche. I’m expecting that truth to be revealed to me again in a very true, very real way.

Today at church I was reminded that “believing is not absent of doubting.” So I’m gonna call that good enough for now.

Don’t question me for questioning.

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4 thoughts on “A place…

  1. Angie, I know some of what your feeling and I know that basic cliches don’t help when you’re in that place. Don’t know if you read my blog, but you should check out the link I put at the end of my last entry… our pastor has been speaking to these questions for the past few weeks… they’re about a half hour apiece – you should check it out. Very honest, very real.

    Take care,
    Britt

  2. I just thought that I would share the following with you – not sure why. I hope that they will help.

    I read once that there are times when God allows us to see what He sees – if we are only willing. To say what He has places in our heart – if we are only willing. To follow the path that He has set for us – if we are only willing.

    I have to stop and wonder if part of your questioning is God’s way of asking you to wake up and pay attention to something going on around you or in your life? Without looking over your post, I thought that I had read that you felt you had a calling – maybe it is time to revisit that calling.

    Another thought came to mind as well when I read your post. Think of your faith like riding a downward escalator (I adapted this from something I had read once). Think of it like this… In order to grow, we have to turn around and sprint up the escalator, putting up with the perturbed looks from everyone else who is gradually moving downward, putting up with the strain our legs, our arms, our mind. The constant questioning about why we are running up when it looks so easy to ride down. With that in mind, pursuing Christ requires climbing up those stairs that are constantly moving the other direction. The stairs are pushing us down. Pushing away. When we stop, we automatically begin to be swept down. As we ride down, we can see the top, but more specifically we can see what is being left behind.

    This is hard for me as well. There are times when I struggle. In fact, right now is one of those times. I am not sure if there is an answer better than what you have put in your post – with believing comes doubt. In fact just take a look at my post from last. While I know that God is far from absent, I still miss “that feeling” I got sometimes. But, I also realize that in this moment I accept that He is God and I am not. I don’t have to have an answer to why; I just need to know that He is here with us.

    That is really hard for my analytical mind to say. Take care.

  3. My wife and I were talking about this the other night. I was over at friends house and saw this little boy who was just filthy. He was given food to eat with his filthy hands and I felt sorry for him. He was being neglected.

    And then there is my mother, who is an alcoholic and a druggie. Needless to say my brother and I were neglected.

    So why is it that there are godly people who try and try to get pregnant, but can’t. Then there are people who could care less about their kids and they are able to have several?

    It’s a place where we are uncomfortable because we don’t see the justice in it.

  4. I say this having seen more hurt than I ever thought imaginable in a 2 year period:
    I say this asking the same questions over and over again for over a year of my life:
    I say this having heard COUNTLESS people tell me that God will use the pain for good:
    I say this also knowing that this might step on some omnipotarian/predestinarian toes:

    I don’t think He intended the world to be this way.

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