A place where there are more questions than answers. A place that seems dark, shattered, confusing. I guess that’s where I feel like I’m at right now. And i guess that’s okay. Everything is a season, right?
I question a lot. I question why my cousin had to lose two more babies. What could possibly be the point of that? I know all of the church answers “that God will use it”…and i know that is true…but I’m still questioning. I question why there is so much suffering in the world. I question why incredible, amazing, godly people have to go through such hard times. I question why people of integrity and great faith must still wait for their answers. I question why I feel so invisible. I know I’m not….but I still question. I question when I will feel at home again. I question what’s wrong with me. I question if I’m enough. I question if others care. I question God’s goodness sometimes. I know He is…but i still question it. I question why I crave so deeply for something I just cannot seem to find. I question what I’m searching for. I question when I will be content. I question why I can’t snap out of this darkness. Lots of questions.
And I’ll get the church answer out of the way…that “Jesus is the answer.” Why does that statement make me want to puke a little in my mouth? Now don’t go off on me saying I’m irreligious…i’m just saying. I know that is truth. But truth that has been turned into cliche is just that….cliche. I’m expecting that truth to be revealed to me again in a very true, very real way.
Today at church I was reminded that “believing is not absent of doubting.” So I’m gonna call that good enough for now.
Don’t question me for questioning.