So here I am being as vulnerable as I possibly know how to be, and still so unsure why God has convicted me so strongly to risk again. To let others in. To depend on others. To let others love me for all of me. None of it made sense…but I was still doing it.
Then came mid-April. An exciting time for my family, to say the least. My cousin had finally had her first baby and we all thanked God for the miraculous blessing…because we knew the odds were against her and the rest of the women in our family from the beginning. But God had finally blessed our family with this beautiful baby, Emmalee. But there were complications. We knew of them before Emmalee was born, but the doctors were confident the procedures would go perfectly fine. They didnt. Emmalee’s body failed to accept the attempts, and thirteen days later, Emmalee made the jump into heaven. Where was God in that? He had to be somewhere…but it was really hard to see. This devastated my entire family. This devastated me and made me question my dreams for a family of my own. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand it…but God was somewhere in that situation.
Then came May. The week prior to my graduation, which was a long time in coming, my brother announced that he was calling off his wedding. We were all floored. The wedding was six weeks away. No one knew what to do…but he knew for sure it was right. And so one more stable thing in our lives was shattered, and we were left picking up the pieces. I graduated somewhere in there, and the end of my college days had come….but I missed it. It was all a whirlwind.
Where is God in all of this? How much is he going to take away? This was a lot to handle all at once…i just didnt know if i could bare this on my own. But i didnt have to. Because I was letting my friends walk me through this.
I thought God was a genious, and as devastated as I was with the events of the past month, I gave thanks that God had prepared me for it. And so I slowly moved on…still grasping for answers to all that happened…but at least I had made it through. I began wondering how I would deal with such devastating losses if it were even more personal….but I was thankful that these heartaches were extended slightly out of personal reach.
But I didnt know what was right around the corner.