To Love and to Risk
In the past few months, you have seen my extreme highs turn into extreme lows. You have watched as I’ve walked through some of the darkest times of my life. You’ve waited patiently as I have taken numerous sabbaticals from my blog. I know you’ve wondered, worried, and wished you knew what to do. For that, I can only say thank you.
Over the past two weeks, the story of my life has dramatically changed. A chapter has definitely ended, and a new one as begun. So dramatic, in fact, that sometimes I feel like I picked up a completely different book. So let me share my story with you.
It started in April. No, I take that back. I believe it started in March with my trip to South Africa. On that trip, God stirred my heart and taught me how to love in completely new ways. Love is not something earned or deserved. It is something we do and we show and we give simply because we are called to do so, out of an undeserved love that God has lavished on us.
Then came April. A friend invited me to a “Young Givers” retreat where we talked about generosity and what God is calling us to. But first, we learned that we must lay down our idols and become intimate with God so that generosity simply swells from our pores. At that retreat, God didnt really hit me with the generosity topic as much as he did with the intimacy topic. Not only intimacy with Him, but with others.
Of course I have a wall up, who wouldn’t after being burned so many times? Of course I only let people in so far, are you kidding me?….they can’t see all of me. Of course I keep people at the surface…i can do this on my own. Of course I don’t depend on others, get real…don’t you know they’ll just let me down?
But it was at that retreat that God convicted me and asked me to risk it all again. Was He actually calling me to let those people closest to me into the deepest parts of my heart? Yep. Was He actually telling me to risk again and let those close friends see 100% of me rather than 80% of me? Yeah…..He was. Dangit. In order to love them and be loved by them, I had to risk it all.
And so i did. Not knowing why, but feeling so convicted that I simply had to obey…i let those people in. I shared with them my fears of risking it all, but that this undeniable calling was too much to ignore. And so I let them in to see my struggles, to see my doubts, to see my insecurities, to see my fear…to see it all.
Little did I know, God was preparing me to soon share my deepest pains with them as well.