The cause of my silence

I sit here today and still want desperately to be silent. Don’t make me talk to you. Don’t make me tell you. I just want to go home, crawl under the covers, and never ever ever come out again. I can’t see past today, let alone next month, and five years from now? Are you kidding me?

Last monday..about the same time i stopped talking to the world..Megan Eastland resigned from Westside. And as most people feel around here, it is hard, but life will go on. But for me, as many of you know, Meg means way more than just a co-worker. If you’ve read anything on my blog at any point in time, you can clearly see that she has played a defining role in my life. She has been a mentor for 4 years. She helped me get involved at Westside. She helped me understand what it means to be a follower of Christ. She helped me get my foot in the door on staff and was an advocate for me. She has been a constant encouragement, and has constantly be leading me, training me, developing me, and teaching me what it means to be a woman of God, and a woman in ministry. And above all else, I can actually say that she has become my best friend. And for a few of you who know, I rarely (if ever) use the term “best friend” these days.

I could write for days, but i really dont want to. I dont want to talk. I dont want to think about it. No, she didnt die and we will still be in contact. And yes, since the day she resigned we haveĀ broken down so many barriers in our friendship and have become so real and authentic and genuine with each other that i never knew was possible. But the fact that I see her every day will soon be once a week…and in a while it may be once every few months…i really can’t come to terms with that. It breaks circuits in my heart and mind and i can’t fathom what life will look like beyond this. I have to relearn the life i have, and i dont want to. I’d rather just run away. Can anything else go wrong in my life after the trainwreck of a month i’ve had. Seriously…i just want to run away.

Now back to my silence…

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2 thoughts on “The cause of my silence

  1. Pingback: IM ON VACATION, my mind is not: Part One. «

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