What am i doing here?

Work is finally almost over for the day. Man, this day has been long. I didnt hear my alarm go off this morning, slept right through it….but i suddenly found myself awake exactly at 7. Obviously it woke me up, but it took the entire alarm to get me out of my slumber! I am EXHAUSTED today! I was wide awake most of yesterday and last night so I stayed up really late and i’m regretting it now. I’m majorly jet-lagged still. Starting last night and continuing into today, i have been on an emotional roller coaster. I’ve already seen a few tears, but mainly a lot of anger today. i’m trying to remember to channel it in healthy ways rather than be outraged at innocent people or things. My emotions have been scattered all over today. Every other minute it flips.

So what am i feeling at this moment? Mainly grief and uselessness. I am grieving (missing) south africa badly. I am missing the kids there. I am missing my new friend Kristi and her husband, Dan, who are doing an amazing job on the front lines. I am missing the community and friendships that were formed among our team. I am even missing my closest friend (one that i even work with!) because we were able to really just focus on our friendship rather than having to focus on the 10 million other responsibilities we have here in being grown-ups. I miss being a kid again-loving without restrictions, dreaming big dreams, laughing til you cried, crying until you laughed, and simply being in the present moment. I am feeling very useless here….why do i do what i do? What is the point of my job? What is the point of sitting through classes i learn nothing from…just trying not to stab out my eyes as i watch the clock tick in slow motion? What is the point of all of this? Does anything matter except to be with those kids, protecting them, loving them, teaching them?

Obviously there is a point to being here…obviously most missions work is not possible without our funding, prayers, and support….obviously not every American can pack up and move to a 3rd world country. But these are my raw and open emotions. I know there is a balance to all of it, but these are my very very real feelings right now. in walking through this journey with me, please be prepared to hear about SA for a while. please be prepared to hear my outrageously rediculous emotions…i am not ashamed of the burning emotions i have, as unbalanced as they may be. There is a time and place for logistics, but there is also a time and place for burning passion. And maybe, if we’re lucky, they’ll mix.

In this roller coaster, one thing i know to be true is this: South Africa is not the remedy for life and for the problems of the world. It is not the force that caused love to surge out of me. It is not South Africa that caused me to see things in new ways. God and God alone is the remedy for all of this. There is no mistake about that. Only God can be credited for being the impetus that caused change in me and opened my eyes to new things. So in the midst of all of these healthy and normal and outrageous emotions, I cling to One who i know is stable. He alone is my portion and my supply.


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