No title?

I’m sitting at home looking through old journals…old notes…old photographs. It floods my memory of past times…past stories…past friendships. And i know once I go back to KC, Ill be surrounded by everything that I now know….but being home really makes me miss being here. It really makes me miss her. My best bud. I was reading through a journal I had in 6th grade and came upon an entry where I wrote “I really think I love Megan Carmichael a lot.” I remember that feeling like it was yesterday…wanting to do nothing more than stay up late and giggle and have deep conversations and be able to breakdown and cry and know that she would let me cry on her shoulder…whether she really wanted to or not.

Maybe its my upcoming trip to South Africa that is really softening my heart, and stirring deep, thought provoking questions in my soul. But these questions are on my heart tonight. What is it about these relationships that seem to impact our lives forever? They never leave our hearts or minds, no matter how busy or different we become. We will always remember those kinds of friendships. Why? Maybe because God created us to be in intimate community with other believers. We’re suppose to live open, authentic lives with one another.

Some days I just wish i could come back here (to Iowa) and relive it all. Not that i would ever give up the friends I have now, or the impact they’ve made on my life, but something deep inside of me wishes that I could have that friendship back the way it was. It wasnt perfect, but it filled me with happiness beyond what i could really describe. But i look at that friendship now, and i dont see the two girls who wrote those notes so long ago or who giggled all night long. I see hurting, bitter, angry, lonely, confused hearts that just dont know how to get back to square one. If i knew how to get back to square one, I would run there right now. We could give a million reasons of why things are the way they are, but something inside me says we havent really figured out the true reason…because if we had, we would have found the secret passage back to square one.

Someday i hope to find that pathway. Someday I hope that friendship is restored and is healthier than ever. Someday I hope that I can start again. I’ve been a selfish person. My actions have wreaked havoc. Maybe i have played the victim because of the pain I felt so deeply, but maybe its time to take the next step.

I’m not even sure who reads this blog anymore, but wherever you are in your life….please seek reconciliation. Please seek out intimate community with other believers. Please give your hurts over to God and walk in the new life he’s given you…stop playing the victim. Please seek forgiveness. Please forgive. Test everything. Hold onto the good. Avoid every kind of evil. 1 Thessalonians 5:21-22.

I miss you, Megan Carmichael. And im so very sorry.

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