It seems like lately I have learned a lot of things about myself, about others, and about life in general.
The first thing I’ve learned is to not choose a year theme (mine is “exposed”) if you don’t want God to take you seriously. In the past few weeks, I feel like more of my motives, actions, thoughts, and failures have been exposed than any other month-long time frame ever. I guess it’s God’s way of kicking the pride right out of me. Which is one of the biggest things I’ve learned about myself. I’m a proud person. I thought I was so humble. Turns out that maybe im even proud that i’m “so humble.” Wow, i’ve got so far to go. The other night I had a chance to sit down with my long-time mentors and just ramble on about life and some tough situations i’ve been in lately. While doing that, three things were exposed: I am holding a lot of resentment, I have major control issues, and i am very prideful. Ouch. I know that i said i wanted to be shown my flaws, but thats a lot to handle all in one night! I am so very far from being who i want to be. I’ve realized how much I want to impress people I look up to and how much I want to prove that I am good at all that I do…I find pride in being good at these things…but sometimes that pride takes control. I’m thankful for grace and mercy as i begin to work through these things.
Secondly, I’ve learned how those very things (mentioned in #1) can affect relationships. I’ve learned how much they can mess with your mind in making you believe that you’re doing right when you really have some awful motives. I’ve been skilled enough to stuff those things way deep inside and didnt even remember they were there….until one of my closest friendships fell apart this week. Its amazing the denial you go through when you realize the person you once called your “best friend forever” never wants to speak to you again.
I’ve also learned how extremely hard it is to be a leader, especially of youth. I know people always say that as a leader, you have to get used to people not liking you, but as a young leader, its hard to experience that for the first time. It’s hard to remember that at the end of the day, I am a leader and have to do whats best…even though everything inside of me just wants people to like me.
Lastly, I’ve been reminded how much I love my brother and like hanging out with him. We went to Panera today and it was a lot of fun.