Yeah…you thought I decided to move south of the border, huh? Sorry i havent updated in a while. But that doesnt mean that God hasnt been turning my world upside down..because He has! Let me try to bring you up to speed with what I have been learning the past few weeks. There’s no way i can cover it all in one post, so it may take a few entries before i get it all out. I am not even the same as I was just three or four short weeks ago….so theres a lot to write about!
First topic: Fear.
Before I left for Mexico, God began uncovering some of the enemy’s lies that I was starting to believe. Lies about my worth, my capabilities, my potential, and my value. Before i left, I began to realize that I am capable of so much more than I ever give myself credit for. I tell myself that I’m not worth anything, that i can’t do anything. Thats not true. Before I left, God started revealing some big things in my life that deal with fear. I have been trapped by fear in multiple facets of my life. The fear to communicate with people because of what they may think of me, or because of a lack of anything to talk about. I had a lack of things to talk about because i never did anything…because I feared i wasnt capable of doing things. I feared getting to know people better, to open my heart to them. I feared depending on people, in fear that they would just let me down. I was held captive by fear. Well God broke through a lot of that in Mexico. Let me share with you what I wrote the day after I returned…
Everyone says they see God so clearly in Croc, Mexico. I have to admit, I really doubted that when I went down there. It was hot, it smelled, nothing tasted good, it was dirty, it was just plain gross. The work was hard. I’ve never had such a weak, queezy stomach. And how do you hear and see God when you are dripping in sweat at a dead stand still? I’ll be honest, in the midst of it, I really didn’t enjoy it much.
But in the past few days, I have seen and heard God so clear. I think it has a lot to do with what Stephanie Major said about our body, mind, and soul all being connected together…because when i didnt feel good, I didn’t feel God. But ever since Sunday, God has really been speaking to me.
It’s funny, because I thought I’d have a whole new revelation completely separate from how I’ve been feeling before I left. But, as God likes to do so often, he just dug even deeper into the truths He is trying to teach me.
Before I left for this trip, God really began to open my eyes to the lies satan has been feeding me about my worth. I am worth so much. I am being held in captivity by fear.
God continued to unlock that truth this week. One thing that really started this thought process in me was a comment Meg said while we were driving to Mustang Island. We were talking about things we’d like to do and I said I would love to move to Colorado Springs someday and I said something about waiting until I got married and Meg said “You don’t have to wait until you’re married to do things.” And i said “yeah. Well……yeah.” And in my head I was thinking “Yeah I do, I can’t do things by myself. I’m not capable of that. That is way too scary.”
I began to realize that I am controlled by fear in everything I do!!! Meg was telling us about all of her adventures and everything she has experienced in her life and in high school and college and I just kept thinking “My heart is that adventurous, but I can’t do it. I’m too scared. I am trapped by fear!” (God, show me why.)
I don’t want to live like this anymore. I have so much potential and am worth so much. I have an incredibly adventurous spirit, yet it’s trapped by fear and I use my personality as a crutch. I see myself as adventurous as Meg or Stephanie, yet I do nothing about it. I fear talking to people because I dont do anything that I have to talk about. I dont do anything because I fear that I’m not capable. God got me out of my comfort zone all week, and He used me to bless other and He developed qualities in my personality. I think its a proven fact that we must get out of our comfort zone to grow, mature, and develop into the people God wants us to become.
God, continue to work in my life on this area. Like Meg said, the lie is that life begins when you get married. Married people say that life ends when you get married. God, let me love my life at whatever stage I’m in. God teach me about fear. I know you have a lot to say about it. Give me strength and courage as I go through this journey. Thank you for Meg. Thank you for wrecking my life. Be with me as I go back to those places of pain and figure out why I have lost my sense of worth. Be with me as I figure out why I have so much fear, and why I am trapped by it. Thank you for what you are doing in my life.
Another thing I realized I feared was opening my heart to someone new. I love Meg and I’m so glad I’m getting to know her better and I am beyond-words-excited to actually see her as a friend rather than just as a leader or a role model. To see her on the same level as me and to see that she has questions just like me. We are worlds apart, yet we’re on the same level. Yet as I get to know her better, it leads to me having to open my heart with her. It leads to the risk of what she could think of me, the risk of us having to say goodbye, to risk of altering her perception of me, the risk of losing her.
Risk, fear, comfort zones. Growth, maturity, development.
God, I need your help.
That’s the process God started in me in Mexico. And its not even close to being completed…if it ever does become completed. But thats where I’m at. And seeing me interact with people now compared to four weeks ago, you’d think I was a different person. God is wrecking my life and personality, and I’m loving every minute of it.