Opening up…

I think i learned something new about myself today. Or maybe its just that it was confirmed today…or maybe i’m still in the process of figuring this part of me out. I dont know.

I really feel as if I’m not a structured person. Yes, i love to organize things and make sure things are very efficient…but i hate structure and routine. 9-5 job day in and day out? Not for me. I know that eventually i will conform and ever so slowly learn to adjust to the flourescent lights of my uniformly shaped cubicle that i will someday have in some random office somewhere. But i’m not going to like it. Going to the gym every day at a certain time to get my excersize? Scratch that. I’d rather mix it up…go on a walk one day..go to the gym..play some sort of physical action sport..etc. I know, its better to do even one thing every day than not do anything at all…but still. Doing something day in and day out in some sort of monotonous fashion…ugh, gag me.

I know that life isnt all fun and games. I know that sometimes we have to do things we dont like. I know that we must be “responsible” and provide for ourselves and earn a living (by the way, whats up with the phrase “earn a living? didnt God give us life freely?” anyways..i digress..). Today my day consisted of a few meetings, some working and planning, as well as some deep thoughtful conversations. The ones that make people think..the ones that get to a person at the core. Not just surface talk. I recently admitted that I’m fine at fake surface talk, but never think people really want to know what i truly feel. Yuck. I dont want that to be who i am. I want someone to see me as transparent. Do i have trouble meeting new people and being genuine?…of course….but i want that flaw to be in the open as I’m genuinely trying to be transparent to others.

Maybe its just because im the “artsy” type. Blame it on creativity. ha. Label me as the abstract type rather than concrete. You know…the “free spirited” kind. Double Ha. Anyways…i just struggle with this concept. I want to make a difference in peoples lives. Can i do that in a 9-5 kind of job? Yes, Im sure i can. How do i deal with this huge dislike for structure? Who ever said a person must be established in order to be successful? Who ever said money equaled influence? I dont want to just live in the status quo.

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