In the past two weeks I have finished Blue Like Jazz and The Barbarian Way..and yesterday i started I Am Not but I Know I AM. For a while now I’ve started thinking about my future after college, and what my purpose in life is right now. I was even talking to one of my guy friends about this subject when we met for coffee last night…we’re both juniors in college and we no longer know if we’re supposed to go into the field that we’re majoring in…but that maybe we’ve been called to some sort of ministry and it feels more than just pre-graduation jitters. Anyways…after reading another chapter in I Am Not but I Know I AM last night, I got up and wrote this in my journal. Usually I dont post things straight from my journal..cuz they’re completely raw and uncensored..but i felt like this was worth sharing. I even deleted it from my blog earlier today thinking that it was stupid that i had posted it…but i was encouraged to put it back on…so here it is…
Called (Jan. 04, 2007)
I know that I have been called to play a part in the big story of God. Its not a matter of “will I get called?”…I know I have been. I just don’t know what I’ve been called to. Its sad, really. I had my life all planned out. Married at 21, kids later, being a graphic designer…maybe if I was lucky, I could eventually work from home. Then I started thinking…well I’ll work at a church as their graphic designer. I really felt called to that. Well, I’m a month away from being 21, and I am not even in a relationship. But at least my career dream was secure, I mean, I’m the only one who can really determine how that works out. I’m officially a college senior, majoring in graphic design. And I don’t know what purpose I’m supposed to serve. I really don’t.
All of a sudden, it just doesn’t seem like enough. It isn’t lining up anymore. I feel like my life was made to be so much more than what I had planned. Am I still being called to be a full-time graphic designer at a design firm, or at a church? Am I called to sit at a desk every day? Of course I want to use my talents….that’s no question…And I will continue to use them. But am I called to simply punch the clock 9-5? I almost hope not. But what am I called to do? I am a senior and I don’t know what I am supposed to do. My purpose is no longer clear. I mean….things jump into my head like missions and stuff. But is that just because it’s the only form of ministry I know besides being a pastor? I’m so confused.
And to be really, really, really honest…I am terrified. I’m scared to hear what God wants me to do, because I know that it will be beyond my capabilities alone. I don’t know what to do, I’m not qualified….you know, all of those inadequate excuses that make no difference to God. I love adventure, and I would love to impact lives for Christ in any way possible. I guess I just need to know what to do. You know, like, someone give me a little instruction. I need teammates….or at least they would be helpful. Or you know….a husband with the same visions would be amazing. Which I completely believe will happen in time. I guess I’m just scared to do this thing on my own….whatever it is that I’m called to do. Not that I am called to do it alone….I don’t even know what this “mission” is called or what it even looks like…. But even Moses had a partner in his mission….his brother Aaron, who acted as his spokesman. But I’m getting off subject.
The idea that God wants to use me is exciting…yet terrifying. But what are my options? I either continue to be available to the call of God, or I become civilized. I live within the status quo, live a “normal” life, stay comfortable, become “religious,” and waste my life complaining about the latest church gossip. I want to make a difference. I don’t want to be civilized. I don’t want to just sit around talking about the mind-blowing greatness of God and about eternity’s greatest gift of love that was offered to mankind…because it’s just hot air if I’m not doing anything with that message.
Man….I need some guidance on this thing. All I know at this point is that I’m called. To what? I have no clue . It’s like….am I being called to a mission or line of work that doesn’t even exist yet? I remember Darren talking about that this summer in one of our devotions. Feeling called into an area of ministry that hadn’t been created at the time. I wish I had Stesh, and Kelsey, and Jen, and Crystal, and Meg, and Jonny, and Joshua, and Darren, and Klint, and Scott all sitting in the living room of our summer house so we could all discuss this thing…..this “call”…whatever it is, and whatever it looks like.
For now, all I can do is listen for the heartbeat of God…listen for the melody He’s playing for my life…..
And thats what I wrote in my journal last night. Pretty raw..pretty real. If you have ANY thoughts on the matter, PLEASE leave me a comment or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org . Keep me in your prayers. Thanks guys.