“When he came back to his disciples, he found them sound asleep. He said to Peter, “Can’t you stick it out with me a single hour? Stay alert; be in prayer so you don’t wander into temptation without even knowing you’re in danger. There is a part of you that is eager, ready for anything in God. But there’s another part that’s as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire.”
I’ve been made fully aware that there is a side of each one of us that never dies. A side that we might not have been in contact with for days, months, or years. But it is within each one of us. The majority of the world lives in this side. But there are some who have found their true identity, children of the light. Yet we each carry a second personality with us. This is my true belief. Some have claimed that we come to a point where this side is no longer present. I disagree. I believe that we wake up with this “other” side each and every day…and therefore Christ’s claims are true: we must DAILY die to OUR selves. Because OUR selves are the “other” sides of us. The human part of us. The flesh. Yet when we die to OUR selves, true identity is found…we are more than just flesh and blood, we are eternal souls that make a difference in the Kingdom.
Sometimes the “other” side is so real. Or for me it is. Like I am staring at it in the face….yet, its me? Its crazy to think like this. At times i think i have gone insane. Is there truly a side of me that loves evil? That loves attention? That is manipulative, obsessive, posessive, agressive? Controlling, destructive, and insensitive? I think that there is. Do i live in that side? No, but its there. At times i’m unaware its there…as if the other Angie has left me for good. And suddenly I see it staring me in the face. Causing me to war against myself. If this entire concept was false, it would make Paul’s writing ineffective when he states in Romans 7:15-25–
“…What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise . So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. 17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. 21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. 24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? 25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.”
This has been my week’s journey. Parts of me that I thought had left, they came back. Parts of me that i thought DIED when i moved to college, they returned this week as well. There are parts of the other me that im very acquainted with, and parts that i havent dealt with since the junior-high drama years. All of these things stare me in the face…and it reminds me of this verse that i’ve been thinking of all week long…Matthew 26:40-41. Stay alert; be in prayer so you don’t wander into temptation without even knowing you’re in danger. How important it truly is to be in constant communication with Him…because sometimes the other you will return from its vacation without you even knowing it! Sometimes you will stare the ugly part of you directly in the face, and you will have to say NO. It may be the hardest war you will ever fight…the war of yourself. But in the end every battle will be worth it, because I know who I am…I am a new creation, I live in true reality that I am a Child of God, those things that i hate and war against, they’re not apart of the Child of God, they’re not apart of the eternal ME. They’re a part of this human shell that my soul is trapped in until I die. But its this human shell that I will use as an instrument to show others Christ IN ME.
There are times in this journey where I only experience joy as I run towards Christ, and there are times where I will be running through enemy territory as I continue to run towards Christ. But as I go through that enemy territory, and as I come into contact with “the other me,” i dont carry a surrender flag. No, I carry a cross.
“You’ve gotta get up, and every day, early in the morning, and kill yourself” Pastor Ted Haggard (referring to death to our flesh) A new favorite quote of mine.