Another exciting thing happening in my life is the possibility of going to Sierra Leone this May or June. Sierra Leone is a tiny country on the West side of africa (where the continent bulges out on the upper half of the West side).
Quick background story: I am working on some graphic pieces for an upcoming Missions weekend and was meeting with our Global Outreach Director when she mentioned that we may be starting new mission in Sierra Leone. Without thinking, I sat forward in my seat and said ‘I LOVE AFRICA…i want to go back!”
Later that day she came up to me and asked if I was serious about going to Africa, and mentioned that they were getting together a team for a “vision” trip. Since she will be having a baby soon, she wouldn’t be able to go, and thought that I may be a good person to consider filling her spot. Ever since then, I have been pumped up to go. They still haven’t finalized the team or the dates…but if they do end up having me go with them, it would most likely be in May or June and it would be paid for since it is a vision trip (a trip to experience the place, get a feel for the receptivity of the Gospel, give staff members/leaders a better ability to cast vision and excitement for a new mission area, etc).
Anyways..you can just be praying for that….about the final details of securing the team members, about the other girl spot they are looking to fill, about the time frame and those details to come together, and for me as I seek direction from God to make sure this is what He wants from me and just not what I want. Also…it turns out that my passport expires this year because it was TEN years ago that i went on my first missions trip to Jamaica (wow! time flies!!!)…and my name has also changed…so I’ve got to get on that ASAP! Please pray me through this possible adventure….All glory to Him!
I’ve been pretty disgusted with the state of my heart these days. Especially as I leave my job each day. What is it about working in my “sweet spot” that causes me to think I know everything? Shoot…my head has to be deflate to even walk out the door some days. My ego can get so out of control.
I really need to learn humility. In fact, God’s served me a few helpings of Humble Pie this past week…”fiber for the soul” as a friend calls it. It’s been good for me. It’s put me in place. But i really hope I have eaten my last slice for a while.
I’m looking for a good Bible study that talks about Pride/Humility, so if you know of one..shoot me a comment.
I’m just ready for my heart and my actions and my thoughts to be wise and humble and God-honoring. Lately, that has not been the case. And if there are ways I can be more like Jesus, then that’s what i want.
A few weeks ago, about two days after we got word that Brian’s cancer is growing, I was working out to some music and the song “It Is Well” came on. I had to mentally stop and think…..is everything well with my soul? Is it? Really?
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way…
It’s funny, because only a few short hours before getting Brian’s PET results, I was in a learning session at work about having character. One of the determining questions that was asked was: Do you have a quiet center? I’ve been processing that question a lot lately. When things are spinning like a tornado around me, do I still have a calm, quiet center? A center that, no matter what is going on in life, it can’t be disturbed? I’m not sure how to answer that. Of course, I want to say “yes!” But, I really don’t know. Deep down, I think I do….but sometimes, wow, sometimes I feel like I am being shaken to my core.
when sorrows like sea billows roll…
We really can’t complain, because in the grand scheme of things, Brian is doing amazing. However, in deciding that we’re going to go ahead with this new chemo treatment, I’ve found myself more anxious than normal. For Brian and his family, this isn’t a big deal. They’ve been through more aggressive chemo regiments and two stem cell transplants which are incredibly serious. But for me, this is really the first “treatment” I’ve been around for. Sure, he had radiation for two weeks last summer before our wedding, but even then, we weren’t married and we kinda knew what to expect. So this chemo thing? This seems like a big deal to me. I try my best to live in the moment..but sometimes, my mind runs wild. It begins spinning around all of the “what ifs” and all of the endless possibilities of the future. It can be paralyzing. It can be deeply painful and scary. It can feel like the world is shaking beneath me. And, appropriately fitting with this song, they can come and go like an ocean tide. One minute subsiding, and another minute crashing back down on me.
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say…
I’ve just started a Bible study with some women at work that is going through the promises of God. I find it very fitting to be starting this at the same time as Brian’s chemo treatments. This morning I read the first day’s study, and it was on 2 Corinthians 1:20 — “For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.” I find that very comforting. No matter what my world may look like, I am guaranteed that God’s promises are true…they are all fulfilled in Christ. So if I can cling to Christ, I am clinging to God’s promises. No matter what I may go through..whether it is fighting cancer with my husband or another difficult time in my life somewhere down the road..I know that God will still be there, He will still be faithful, He will still be walking me through the storm.
It is well, it is well with my soul.
So because of those promises, because I know that my God is faithful and because I know that my God is good…I know that I can trust Him to bring me through anything that comes my way. It says in Romans 8:35-39:
“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
So, whether I feel like it or not…whether I feel like the world is crumbling all around me…I think I truly can say “It is well with my soul.”
A blank screen. A flashing cursor. What do I write after I’ve virtually been gone from my blog all summer? It’s been months without a word written. How do I even start?
Sometimes I feel like this when I design, as well. There are so many daunting challenges to a blank page, but so many endless possibilities as well. So much room for creativity. So many opportunities for new experiences.
Yet, I’ve noticed, the paper will always be blank until I choose to put that first mark on the page. Difficult or exciting, you have to start somewhere. And that’s where I am with this blog.
I suppose facing the blank page is a great metaphor for staring at an unknown future. The “what if’s” in life. The things that may be lurking around the corner. I suppose we face these unknowns–these “blank pages,” if you will–on a day to day basis.
What if our paycheck won’t cover these bills?
Where will we be living a year from now…or even a month from now?
Will there be a day when I wont fall to this same temptation?
What if the test shows that the cancer has progressed?
What if I lose my job?
What if my dreams don’t ever succeed?
I guess you could say that we all wake up and face our own “blank pages.” But I think, just as with art..or writing…or blogging, we have two choices: we can either keep staring at the blank page dazed in fear or we can jump in and make the most of it. Make the most of the day. Make the most of the situation. And trust that God is carrying you the whole way through, no matter what the canvas looks like when all is said and done.
Today I have been thinking a lot about the wrecked state that the world is in. Brian and I have talked about eating a lot more fruits and vegetables, leaning towards a primarily vegetarian lifestyle because of the benefits of veggies, and the numerous reports about the harm of growth-enhancers, etc, that are found in meats. Then we read about dairy proteins being linked to a high percentage of cancers. We’ve also talked about eating more organic foods because of the pesticides that are sprayed on everything (pesticides that genetically alter the DNA of plants…which is exactly what cancer does in humans…so it only makes sense that organic is the way to go). Then we look at the prices of all of that stuff, and it’s overwhelming. And then there are weeks, or seasons, like these past few where we see cities (Joplin) and states (Alabama) and countries (Japan) being absolutely obliterated by natural disasters. And then hear story after story of people getting cancer, or AIDS, or becoming orphans or widows. We hear of marriages being destroyed, people being sold as sex slaves, babies being innocently killed before birth, and masses that are becoming addicted to anything and everything they can lay hands on.
Is there any hope? Are we all just going to die and suffer? Is that all there is to this world??? Why even try to survive?
And then I remember my favorite chapter in the Bible…Romans 8. It talks about this very thing. (Apparently I’m not the only one who has pondered these things)
Romans 8:18-25 18 Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. 19 For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. 20 Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, 21 the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. 24 We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. 25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)
This is the Gospel, at it’s finest, being lived out in our every day lives: That Jesus will restore and redeem all of Creation, which is currently broken by sin, back to the way that He originally intended Creation to be.
Well, the results aren’t the greatest but they’re not the worst. I’m somewhat discouraged because I want so bad to hear the doctor to say the word “remission”; Remission to have a “normal” life, a life without worry, doubt, or dispair. Maybe dispair is a strong word but sometimes in the wake of all this it’s hard to realize the life that’s yet to be lived,to see the forest through the trees so to speak. It’s easy to get caught up in the hurt, pain, and stress that this long journey has built but then again there’s something comforting, something enlightening about “… a woman holding on for life… a dying man giving up the fight…” (Better Than a Hallelujah) There’s something about sufferage that brings you closer to Jesus. I’m not saying I’m suffering by any means and I know there are people out there that are in far worse shape but Ang and I are in constant reliance on God and his comforting. I would be in a straight jacket if I didn’t know that God was on my side and if I didn’t have a relationship with my Lord and Savior. Anyways, the journey continues and we are still at a confusion on the timing how this needs to all play out but know that we have confidence God is in control.
It’s nearly 9:30 a.m. and we’ve still got a few hours before leaving work to head down to KU Cancer Center. We will find out at 2 p.m. what the PET/CT shows. I haven’t talked to Brian much this morning at work, so I can’t speak for him, but I am feeling very at peace. I know that no matter what happens or what the tests say, God is sovereign. He is in control. He will provide. He will heal. God will beat this disease and show it Who’s Boss…it’s just a matter of time.
Of course, that isn’t to say that the enemy hasn’t been trying to whittle little lies into my head all morning…or all week, for that matter. Thoughts of hopelessness, despair, fear, overwhelming anxiety.
But one thing I know for sure: GOD IS GOOD, NO MATTER WHAT.
May 10 is a highly anticipated day for Brian and I. On May 5, he will get a PET scan after nearly 7 months of “waiting” and happily living life as all newlyweds should. But on May 10, just a year and three days after we got engaged, we will be getting the results for that test.
To say we are anxious would be an understatement. Anything could have been going on over the course of seven months. Anything. And to not know is, at times, absolutely torturing. You can probably imagine the things running through both of our heads. The questions. The “what ifs.” The concern. The hope. And all of those thoughts are taxing on our emotions. Put two people with frayed emotional and mental space in the same home and you can sometimes cut the tension with a knife. Be praying for that..the enemy loves to use these times against us.
Usually I would say that I’m very scared and worried for the results, but God has been really tending to my heart these past few weeks. I don’t think “scared” would be the correct word for what I am feeling because I believe whole-heartedly that God has all of this in his control
..no matter what happens on this earth, God will ultimately heal Brian. He will care for us and provide for us and comfort us.
I am not sure what the right word would be for this time. Hopeful would be one word. Deeply, deeply hopeful that God chooses to heal Brian on this side of heaven. Another word would probably be sad. Sad that Brian must experience this in his body and life. Sad that we must deal with this..that anyone has to deal with this, honestly. Perhaps the correct word is just grief. I am absolutely confident in my God’s ability to heal and hopeful he will. But I grieve the things Brian has had to go through and still may have to go through before he is fully healed. And to think of those things and anticipate the possibility of those things, while still believing that God is absolutely good, honestly just makes my heart hurt.
I want to experience a full life with this man. I want to have his babies. I want to scream ‘we’re debt free!!!!’ at Dave Ramsey’s studio. I want to see his face when he brings home that first monster buck. I want to throw the biggest bash when he goes into remission. I want to watch him play catch with his kids and teach them how to fix cars. I want to see him pull out his shotgun when our daughter brings home her first boyfriend. I want to experience all of these things with him…along with a thousand laughs and hugs and “I love you”‘s added in.
I do not fear what the road ahead may hold. But I do grieve those absolute happy -go-lucky times that may be missed because of this horrible ravishing disease. But we will take one day at a time.
I am fully confident in God’s ability to do miracles here on this earth.
Please be relentlessly praying for us and for the total healing of Brian’s body.
Yesterday I shared that God has been speaking to me for a while about living a healthy lifestyle out of obedience to Him and to be a good steward of the body and life He gave me. When I say “a while,” I mean a few years. And I also shared that every time I sit down to do a Bible study or devotional, if I’m not lined up with that call and I’m being disobedient to Him, that is the only thing I hear Him saying to me during those quiet times.
And that annoyed me, so I started avoiding Him and my accountability all together. And I got distant and grew numb and complacent and indifferent about things that mattered to God.
Until lately, when God started stirring my heart through some good conversations and some good books. And I started desiring to be close to God again. I started asking Him to give me a willing and obedient heart to the things He was calling me to do, whatever that was. And of course, one of the first things that entered my mind was the “healthy lifestyle” thing. And I was going to shut down again. I wasn’t going there again.
But then I started reading the introduction to a new study I’m doing about hearing God’s voice. And within a few paragraphs, the author was talking about how special it is to get a gift that was specifically picked out for you. And that when God speaks to you, He is speaking just to you alone…He is giving you a gift (His Word) that fits you perfectly, that is designed for you specifically, and that picked out for you on purpose. There is a reason why he is saying certain things to you. And then I started thinking about the whole “healthy lifestyle” thing.
God keeps talking to me about that one topic for a reason. I’m not sure why, exactly, but there is a reason. There’s a purpose for him telling me that and not someone else. Maybe he wants to use me. Maybe he has great plans for me through this one issue. But if I am never obedient to Him, if I never find true victory in this area of my life because of my total dependence on Him, and if I never come to fully understand that HE ALONE is my portion and supply…then how will I ever be able to share what God has done in my life in that one area? And maybe that’s part of what God has for me.
Then again, maybe it has nothing to do with Him wanting to use me for a greater purpose concerning this topic, but maybe it’s just that he simply wants me to be obedient. Regardless of which it is, the thing that just “clicked” this time is that this whole time I’ve been annoyed that I can’t have a quiet time with God without him bugging me about this whole topic…when honestly, I should be blown away that God is STILL speaking to me! He hasn’t just become silent. He hasn’t stopped talking. Sure, I may have been annoyed that it was about the same tough subject…but I’m beginning to think that I’m pretty dang blessed that God cares enough about me and enough about this subject that he continues to keep trying time and time again to get through to me. The God of the UNIVERSE is consistently speaking to me! Maybe this time I should listen and try to gain every little ounce of growth that God wants to bless me with through this whole thing.
So, I guess now is the time that I stop figuratively running and start literally running!
So God has been putting this little thing called “healthy living” on my heart for a while now. I posted about it here in 2009…and then again here in 2010. I did pretty good for a while at following those convictions in 2009, but what started out to be an honest act of obedience turned more into an act of selfish gain for affirmation. I started stealing the glory from the One who deserved it. I began to rely on my own power and my own strength. So it was no wonder that I gained all of it and more back.
Hello belly, did you enjoy your short mini-vacation? Glad to see you’ve gotten settled back into your jiggling routine on my abs.
Ugh.
Anyways, back to what I was saying. So God has been putting this whole topic on my heart for a while. And lately (or, more like the past 6+ months) every time I sit down to do a new study or devotional, that topic is the only thing that God has been saying to me. Over and over and over. In fact, I started mentioning this to my friend and mentor, Randi, and she suggested we even do a study on that very topic..you know, since God was talking to me about it and all. Seemed to make sense. So we started a study on our relationship with food, and that’s when my subtle avoidance of this issue turned into a full-fledged run.
I was running to avoid running. Actually, it was more like a dead sprint.
And then everything clicked.
I’ll continue the story tomorrow, but right now I’m wondering….have you ever ran from God on a certain subject, only to realize that it wasn’t such a hard thing to actually obey what he was asking from you? Care to share your story?
