I’m just going to be really honest here for a second. And maybe this borders on way too much information. Maybe this borders on “woah, she should have kept that too herself.” Maybe this borders on “oh dear, this girl should just go write in her journal, not online.” But hey, if we’re going to be authentic, then here you go…here’s authentic.
So i’m pretty independent. I mean, I can fix my shower drain that isnt draining. I can tighten the bolts on my doorknob. I can move heavy boxes and furniture and all of that business. I can change my own tires and put more oil in my car. Ok. I can do that. And I could learn to do a bunch of other stuff if I ran into the problem. I can keep my emotions to myself, put up a wall to my heart and keep to myself. I can be tough when I need to be, I can act like I don’t care, and I can listen, instead of talk, all day long. I can lead my own life and take care of myself and keep myself occupied.
But I want to depend on someone. I don’t want to do life alone. I’m tired of having to fix my own problems. This is the third time in the past week I will have to take my computer back to Geek Squad because something isnt right. The struts on my car sound like they have arthritis and the check engine light has been on forever because of a non-threatening fuel emission problem, but its really annoying and I need to get it checked out sometime. I can get all of these things fixed. It’s really not that big of a deal.
But sometimes it feels like a big deal.
Sometimes I just don’t want to have to do it on my own.
And when it seems as if men are just flooding into the lives of my friends, it’s pretty much a desert for me.
I’ve been clinging to this verse lately:
Hosea 2:14
Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
I’m not going to lie. I feel completely desolate right now. Stripped of everything. Hungry, tired, thirsty, weak. And when it is so tempting to just go to friends or anyone who will listen to me, I have to remember that God is pursuing me, wants to know my inner most thoughts and desires, he wants to woo me and sweep me off my feet…and as cheesy as that sounds, and as stupid as that makes me feel…I think I’m pretty open to it. I want to fall in love with Christ. I want my dependence to be soley on Him. I want Him to be my provider, protector, and sustainer. He is my portion and supply. Without Him I am nothing. He is the one who knows my depths and loves me unconditionally. He wants to invade me, love me, know me, pursue me, defend me, protect me, provide for me, help me, comfort me.
Right now, He is all I’ve got.
Maybe it’s best that way.
